Garie Beach - Is this a good story?

Is this a good story?

Walking up the steps to the new school in Paris, France, Marley is more than scared, she’s horrified. Having cousins that lived in France in their younger years, Marley was persuaded to attend Hartley Boarding School in Paris. Hesitantly, putting one foot in front of the other, Marley sticks out like a sore thumb in her new school. Wearing her skinny jeans, flip flops, and a polo, she definitely looks like an American. Not succeeding her goal to fit in a well as possible, she is more discouraged scurrying around, trying to find her room. Arriving at the door of her room, she opens the door. As it squeaks open, she is satisfied with the look of the room, but in the other corner of her room, there is another bed. Set up, and neat as a pin, it looks like Marley is going to have a room mate. Setting her heavy bags and the boxes she has pulled behind her the whole way back from the airport, the door flings open, and a short girl squeals with excitement. Kissing Marley on each cheek, greeting her the way any French girl would, the girl introduces herself. Auctivee. Marley thinks her name is interesting, like nothing she’s ever heard. But Marley would never tell her that she loves her name, when she meets new people she keeps things to herself. Towering over Auctivee, Marley being 5’9”, they walk to the restaurant, to try and find American food. Auctivee, living here for her whole life, and knowing that Marley is experiencing something new; she leads them to the American restaurant. Walking into the Café, Marley is more and more homesick. Being in France for only a day so far makes her homesick already, she cannot stop thinking about her home. She wants to home. Marley misses the smell of the crisp ocean air. She misses the way she could walk anywhere, everything was so close. She misses the beach club and kayaking over something that looks like a field of jelly fish. She misses the quietness of the little neighborhood, nothing like the city sounds in Paris. After the horrible lunch Marley picked through, and Auctivee devoured, thinking it was delicious, they walked back to the school. Stopping at the restroom, it was the filthiest restroom Marley has ever stepped foot in. Trying not to gag, she walked to the sink and looked at her reflection in the mirror. Noticing how frizzy her curly brown hair is, she takes the French braids out of her hair, and sleeks back her hair in a pony tail, her every day hairstyle. Holding her arms up above her head to twist the elastic around her hair, her shirt came up, showing her pierced bellow button that she has been hiding from her parents for awhile. Pulling down her shirt, and stretching her undershirt out, she walks out of the restroom, gasping for air. Auctivee is more than friendly to Marley, she talks all the time, and extremely quick, she probably told Marley her whole life story over lunch, and Marley wasn’t even paying attention. The reason Marley isn’t talking is because she is insecure about the sound of her voice and thinks the tone is quite manly and she is shy. Starting to get annoyed, Marley decided if she talked more then Auctivee would talk less, although not wanting to, Marley thinks it’s best if she starts a conversation. Auctivee is entertained and thinks Marley is hilarious. “So, you’ve lived here your whole life?” Marley asks trying to stop Auctivee from talking. “Ya… and you’re from, where?” Auctivee answers hesitantly and annoyed because it shows that Marley wasn’t listening over lunch. “Cool! I’m from the cape.” “Coo? The Cape?” said Auctivee in her innocent French accent, struggling with the American slang. “Cool means ‘iketeru’ in French, and the Cape is Cape Cod, I live in Hyannis Port.” Showing that she knows French, Auctivee was a little ticked because she was struggling all day. Since Auctivee speaks French, and some English, she struggles to understand Marley, but is intrigued by her Boston accent. Marley knows her French, and she knows she should make it easier on Auctivee, so she doesn’t have to think about the words, but decides the more Auctivee listens the more she can’t talk. Auctivee is caring enough to help Marley unpack her things, to make the room more like home, but Marley can’t stand when people touch her personal items. Auctivee backs off, and says she’s going to her apartment, which is right down the street, but Marley thinks she startled Auctivee with how harsh she had been about her things. Taking her pictures out one by one, the pictures of her house, the beach, her brother and sister make her depressed the most. Ready to take a nap, exhausted after the hours spent on the plane, Auctivee bursts through the squeaky door, screaming and swearing in French. She doesn’t realize that Marley understood the curses she puts on her little brother. Marley doesn’t understand how Auctivee could say such things about her family, and realizes Auctivee’s first impression was false. Living with Auctivee is it got cut off! :( is it good so far it is a character sketch to describe one person in a short story its not a book or any sort of genre it is a character sketch to describe one person in a short story its not a book or any sort of genre what would be a good title for this story

Public Comments

i thought it was good (:
Didn't read it all. ClicheClicheCliche. Try to find your own writing style and the originality will come easier.
It's kind of a plain jane story, it's not really my cup of tea, so I don't really care for it, also a bit repetitive. Keep trying though, it may just be because I am not into that sort of genre, others may love it!!! Keep faith!!!
good? this is amazing! if this is for school, i think your going to get 100%! wow great job
You changed tense in the middle. Cliche. More detail is needed badly. More dialogue.
It could be better. You tell a lot of things: the girl is hiding something from her parents, she is sick from eating lunch, she goes to school in Paris. In short, your narrator is very intrusive. We don't see Marley eating lunch, we hear that she has gotten sick; we don't see her on the plane, we hear about it. A little of this exposition is o.k. but not too much. Try describing some of it. For example, a girl would not likely think that she was going to her new school in Paris, France. But that she was going to her new school. Now, if we saw her on the plane, she would be more likely to be thinking about landing in Paris (which everyone should know is in France, anyway). Better yet, the pilot would announce it. I've been on an international flight and they used both English and the native language. If she is nervous, have her knees knock together, if she is sick, have her vomit. Maybe she makes it to the toilet, maybe she embarrasses herself in the hall in front of all the students after lunch. And, if a Boston accent isn't important (we already know she's from America, and will sound like an American), then leave it out for now. And A girl at a French school will similarly have a French accent when speaking English. Anyway, I'd say the scenario is an interesting one, but focus in a bit on a few interesting details that help the story move along. With a little work, it will get better.
First off, I would suggest not writing in present tense. It's an awkward tense to read and write. But if you want to write present tense, go right ahead, I'm not stopping you. Just make sure you keep it there...I noticed you skipped back to past tense a few times. It needs work, to put it simply. Some of the things were a little out of place, like "Towering over Auctivee, Marley being 5'9", they walk to the restaurant, to try and find American food." It's not a good idea to just throw in bits of information where they don't fit. Maybe try "They walk to the restaurant in search of American food, Marley feeling a little awkward as her five feet nine inches tower over Auctivee." That's not a great sentence, either, but it fits a little better. But if it's just a school assignment, I wouldn't worry about it too much unless you want to impress your teacher.
First you ask us if it's a good story. Then, you say that it's a character sketch. Then, you ask us for a title for this story. Which is it? A character sketch is not a story. Whatever it is that you have here is rather boring, if I'm being honest. It's like you're narrating from the sidelines instead of getting into each character. If the french girl is struggling with her English, how would she even know what a Boston accent is? I think you should post the actual story here for a review instead of a character sketch.